An Insight to a Selfish Soul

    

I have been blessed, or cursed as you may see it, with the ability to feel other’s emotions.  My Spirit is sensitive and when I see family, a friend, or even someone who is not a friend but maybe just an aquanintance, in pain, I literally, physically feel it with them.   And I go through a mourning or grief for them.  

 

I’m not vain enough to think that I am the only person afflicted with this.  I think every conscience, has this same curse or blessing as you may see it.  We call it empathy or Love.  I just think we feel it on different levels. 

 

But I seem to take mine to lengths beyond what may be reasonable.     I cry for people’s pain.   I reach out and try to make up for the pain of others, giving what Id need if the situation was reversed.  

 

So when I experience something heartbreaking and I don’t get the same sort of kindness, I feel jipped. 

 

That is the selfish side of Sarah.  The one I’m ashamed of.  The one that rages, and hurts, because I feel unappreciated.  

 

In this way, I am weak. 

 

Because the caring that I give should be unselfish.  I should  mirror that  of Jesus.

 

It has taken years for me to acknowledge this. 

 

It has caused  problems between loved ones and myself that have taken years to mend. 

 

It has caused problems between me and my second family. 

 

So this is my prayer. 

 

I pray that the Father will forgive me. 

 

I pray that those I’ve hurt and confused will forgive me. 

 

I think my second Mom has been hurt the most by this.  She just doesnt understand what I need from her.

 I love her.  She raised a wonderful, beautiful boy, and gave me a magnificent man 

 

For that alone, she deserves my adoration. 

 

But also, I love her because she and I are alike in many ways.   And we share an unfathomable love for these men of ours.

 

She isn’t just my second mama, but my sister in Christ. 

 

This revelation has been  slow in  coming.   I now understand that my traditions and  blessing (or curse as the case may be) are mine and any expectations I place on others are unfair.

 

  

Its not anyone’s fault but my own, for not recognizing that my Spirit is sensitive, and not recognizing that  everybody empathizes in a different way.

 

 

Sarah Nicole

 

 

Just a few thoughts for today

Im not the “room mom” for either of my kids classes.  Im the slacker mom.  I got guilted in to bringing the store bought cookies  Im toting around.  And the getting of the cookies almost gave me a panic attack.  Because my sacker was Michael Meyers.  I think that was who it was,  I Dont really know my horror villians.  I almost peed when he silently handed me my bags.  A most unpleasant feeling.

 

Im somebodies sunshine

The other morning I woke up.  It was your typical monday morning with lagging children, and sleepiness, and the thought that maybe I should just stay in bed today.  But i made into work, going through the  motions, and finally picked up my cell phone to find Id missed a few calls and had voicemails. 

So, I listened  to my voicemail with half an ear, deleting here and there, until I  hear an accoustic guitar, playing  “You are My Sunshine”.  It was a beautiful gift.  My baby brother Justin, does things like that, but on that particuliar morning I needed the lift, and at the tender words, ” I love you sister” I had to supress a couple of tears.   God has blessed me with a beautifuly dysfunctional, exceptionally quirky, loving, adorable family, and I find myself so grateful at times, that I simply cant breathe.  They actually, literally take my breath away.  

Thank you Father.

A blank sheet

Frustrating

My place of business is blocking all non business related sites.  That includes MSN, Yahoo, youtube, myspace and facebook. 

Now, ill never have any friends.  This is a bad thing.

I have been doing some deep soul searching, and have come to realize that I completely internalize my anxiety.  It churns in me until I make myself physically ill.  Then it turns into heartburn and headaches. 

There are days when all I want to do is read.  Escape into an adventure, or investigate a murder.  Fiction is better than reality. 

I am a delightful person, unless you make one of the 3 fatal mistakes.

1. talk shit about me or someone I love while your in my friend circle.  I will kick you outa my circle faster than you can say boobies.

2. Eat the last zebra cake. Thats a serious offense.

3. dont do your part in the relationship.

Any of these 3 things will put you on my naughty list, and then, all bets are off, and you should beware.  Im a bitch when your on my nauhty list.

Dont leave your electronics at my house.  I just might take them apart with my swiss army knfe to see how they work.

I am a wife, and a  mother,  and everything else can wait. 

Mostly Im writing this because all the fun sites are blocked.  

Motherhood calls.  Ill write more later.

My first grown up blog

 

I have ventured out of the Myspace blog, and into the world of wordpress. 

This is a good thing.  It means Im an adult. 

Sarah